What better time to talk about trans resilience than the eve of the USA inauguration of Donald Trump.

Why?

Because risk and resilience are like two forces on either side of a rope, playing tug-of-war with the mental health of our trans youth.

It is with great sadness that I watch as this political backlash takes hold. I find myself wondering how far it will go and how long it will take – reminding myself that progress is not linear; the movement forward is never smooth and it is always met by resistance. That might be reassuring except that I also do not believe that progress is guaranteed. Hope is not a strategy for change. We have to counteract risk with resilience, because trans people living and thriving is a powerful form of resistance and a powerful protection to those who need to see that.

So what is "trans resilience" and how do we get it? That is why I am writing today.  

If you are parent to a trans person, or in the work of trans health and wellbeing, you probably know the kinds of things that increase risk for trans people. The kinds of things that increase their likelihood to suffer mentally and emotionally. These things are fairly intuitive: Victimisation, rejection, discrimination, isolation, low self-esteem… This is what the research tells us. Makes sense.

If you are paying attention to the US election you probably know that these things will (and already are) increasing the risk that trans people will suffer poor mental health and suicide, all over the world.

That is the risk I am talking about here. Risk of poor mental health. 

We have to acknowledge the fear that our trans youth will be harmed. The grief that they already have been. Nothing I write here is meant to invalidate these feelings. I have them too. 

But we must not forget the other end of the metaphorical rope. As we stare in horror at the power of those who join the risk end of the rope, we mustn’t forget the powerful influence we have on the resilience of trans youth. I mean this broadly, and also very specifically YOUR influence over YOUR own child. Be they 7 or 27 year old.

When parents and practitioners focus primarily on risk, we are failing to leverage the primary influence we have over those we love and care for.

It is better to add strength to resilience than to ward off risk.

What you should know about risk and resilience:

1. Risk and resilience are independent scales.
2. The impact of both are cumulative.
3. Your influence to reduce risk is limited.
4. Resilience is achievable.

1. Risk and resilience are independent scales

Why are some people able to withstand a huge amount of risk without being crushed by it, and others more quickly dissolve into a shattered version of themselves?

I understand this to be about resilience.

Every ounce of resilience we hold inside us, reduces the impact of things that would otherwise harm us. When resilience is high, we are less impacted by challenges and are able to bounce back more quickly.

For someone experiencing low levels of risk and low levels of resilience, they may not be struggling now but they are very vulnerable to risk when it does eventually occur (and it will). For someone with high risk and high resilience, we could say that there is a lot of pressure on their mental health “rope”, but they have healthy forces counterbalancing the risk they are experiencing. When that risk eases they will quickly begin to thrive. For people with high risk and low resilience – well, we know that story.

In any case, we need to understand that these are two independent scales and we can focus on either one, or both, to shift how someone is experiencing their life and themselves.

2. Resilience is cumulative, just as risk is.

One micro-aggression... one instance of social exclusion... one sideways look... one incident of misgendering… Each on their own can be withstood, even shrugged off at times. All of them together? All of them together in one week? They start to accumulate quickly into a very bleak picture of the world. Makes sense.

But the same thing is true for resilience factors too. One moment of affirmation… one new online friend…  One step towards bodily autonomy… one deep-and-meaningful with a parent… Each on their own is nice, but together they start to accumulate into a picture of the world that is safe. A world where they can belong. Where they can just be. And most importantly, where they can get on with the rest of their life and the activities they enjoy - as they should.

“Okay, how do we do this?” you might ask.

For parents I have an answer (for therapists please see our Advance Frameworks course)

Parents, I speak to you now. Here is what you can do to increase trans resilience for your child.

• Connect to supportive community, and help your child to do the same
• Use your child’s chosen name and help others to do the same
• Learn about and talk to your child about oppression in age-responsive ways.
• Connect with your child

The last one is the single most important factor. And why we have a whole module in our Parent Program dedicated to emotional connection.

The more connected you are with your child, the greater your influence to reduce the risk in their life, and the greater your influence to increase their resilience.

I speak to myself as well when I say - we have to stop underestimating the importance of connecting with our children. Even when the world seems to be the problem – no, ESPECIALLY when the world seems to be a problem - we are the remedy.

Our presence, our curiosity, our trust, our respect, our allowing-what-is, our boundaries, our patience, our appropriate authenticity, our explicit love and admiration.

In the rush of life, and with the models we have, this is not often easy. No one is saying it is easy - not me. But it is THE thing to focus on – right now more than ever.

Connection is your objective in the race against the harms your child might face.

3. Your influence to reduce risk is limited

As a parent or a practitioner, you have some capacity to reduce risk, but that influence is limited.

We can try to advocate with their school, we can pre-call a doctor before an appointment, we can have difficult conversations with our community, our family, our neighbours. These things are super important, hard going, totally exhausting, and we have to do them but we are only ever half of the equation, at most. Other people will make their own choices. We cannot ultimately control if they become aware, compassionate, educated and respectful members of our child’s life. There is a lot we can do to encourage this, and we provide a lot of practical strategies and templates in the Parent Program for this reason, but once we have done this work, we have to allow the other person to do what they do.

If we can reduce exposure to transphobic individuals we absolutely should, but we cannot always control who they come across at school, at work, at a bus stop, at a bar.

The best we can do is set the bar high so that their inner magnet guides them towards people who love and respect them and away from those who do not. We set that bar for our children. Set the bar high.

4. Resilience is achievable

When we feel powerless to change the social or political context, we can turn to the domains of our life where we do have power. As a parent or a practitioner you have very significant capacity to influence resilience in your trans loved ones or clients. Your power is in resilience.

Most people (including myself at times) forget the power they have to influence change in the ways that are right in front of them – and therefor the ways that they most meaningfully can.

There is so much to say about how we can increase resilience for trans young people (it is what our whole Parent Program is about, really), but what I can say right here is that a huge part of it is about representation.

Positive trans representation is the balm we all need.

We need a lot of it and we need it often.

Trans young people especially need to absorb AS.MUCH.AS.POSSIBLE. I think of it like strength of the heart. To grow a muscle we have to do reps. For trans people to be strong they have to get positive trans "reps", aka trans representation.

Parents too. Parents need trans representation so that they can hold a vision for their child's future that is different from the tragic portrayals in media that we all grew up with (for reference, watch Disclosure on Netflix – a history of trans representation in Hollywood).

Parents also need representation of other parents of trans people. You’re not alone in this. You do not have to continue to feel that way.

I don’t know if it is part of our broader culture that has us underestimating social connection, or if we are just so driven by fear, rather than love, that we forget to focus here. 

How do we connect more meaningfully with our children?

The lesson I keep learning is to first get support for myself. And so I will suggest the same for you - The best thing you can do for your child is get support for yourself.

Because:

• Our children take our lead as to how to live
• We cannot pour from an empty well
• There is much to learn
• We cannot do this alone, and we do not have to

If any part of this has moved you, consider joining us for the Parent Program. Enrolments are open now.