Why 95% of Parents Doubt that Their Child is Trans

Today I’m going to share with you why almost every parent I’ve ever worked with (hundreds), has felt, at some point and to some extent, really doubtful and worried that their child might not really be gender diverse. 

This doubt causes parents to

• Second-guess themselves
• Feel incredibly stressed
• Feel guilty (later)
• Delay getting specialist advice
• “Wait and see”, when their child needs more

And all this causes disconnection between parent and child.

There is no blame or fault here. It’s completely understandable. There just isn’t good information readily available and what is popularised through the media leads people to hold very predictable misunderstandings about trans people. Unless you go searching for better information (and often even if you do!), it’s just too easy to think in stereotypes.

Key takeaways:

• There are no reliable signs that your child is trans, other than when they tell you they are.
• The ‘signs’ people look for are femininity and masculinity 
• These are associations with gender, but they do not demonstrate or prove gender
• 95% of parents doubt their child is trans because 95% of trans people do not express their gender in hyper-stereotypical ways. 
• The only sign is when they tell you, and that sign is reliable.

Step 1: Know that you are not alone in having doubts

Almost every parent I’ve spoken to will initially speak about whether or not they saw signs that their child was gender diverse. If they did, they are a minority, and those parents often feel guilty that they didn’t think more of it. If they didn’t, they are the majority.

After working with literally hundreds of parents of trans folks, and speaking with many more hundreds of trans clients who tell me about their parents, it is no exaggeration when I say that 95% of parents feel this way. 

Step 2: Notice that the ‘signs’ you are looking for are femininity and masculinity 

What people talk about as signs are things that we can categorise as femininity and masculinity. 

People will say, “[child’s name] was always a very ordinary male child, they played football and never showed any interest in dresses or dolls.”

What they mean is, if my child is really a trans girl, wouldn’t she have been more ‘girlie’? More feminine? Or vise versa.

The answer is of course no. respectfully.

Step 3: Understand what femininity and masculinity are, and what they are not.

Luckily, we have moved very far from the days when girls were expected to only want to wear dresses and play with dolls, and boys were expected to only want to play with toy weapons and cars. It doesn't feel that way when you walk down toy isles at Kmart, but for the most part I find parents are much more open minded than they used to be.

As parents (or practitioners) supporting a trans person, it’s extremely useful to know that femininity and masculinity are simply things that are associated with gender. 

Like other associations, they are not mandatory. But because they are associated with gender, they become norms and standards, and are then more strongly upheld by people, even when they wouldn’t otherwise. Because they are norms that are upheld they become stronger associations.

The cycle looks like this:

Step 4: Listen, rather than look.

So when we look for ‘signs’ that a person was trans in childhood, we are actually looking for things that we classify as femininity/masculinity. These are traits that are associated with gender, but they do not validate or prove someone’s gender. And for trans people who were not raised under the expectation that they uphold the standards associated with their gender, unless they, by chance, happen to authentically express those traits, they likely wont. 

95% of parents doubt their child is genuinely trans (initially) because 95% of trans people do not express their gender in hyper-stereotypical ways. 

There are no reliable signs that your child is trans, other than when they tell you they are.

Trans people don’t look, or behave, the way you expect. Good for them. Do not look at them for the answers. Listen to what they say. 

Step 5:  Let them surpass your expectations, as children should. 

It may be deeply uncomfortable at times. It might be inspiring. It might be terrifying.

It might be something you want support with. If it is, reach out.