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[00:00:00] The parental support paradox is something that speaks to the way that often parents are hesitant about supporting their child's gender identity because of fears about their child's wellbeing and safety. And the paradox is that When these worried parents are hesitant to affirm their child's gender identity, they actually cause their child to be less well and less safe.
This can become a negative feedback loop where as the child feels unsupported, they communicate less with their parents. They suffer worse mental health and their parents often end up then feeling less confident to support the gender identity of their child, particularly if they already had the fear that the gender identity was a \ manifestation of their poor mental health rather than the other way around.
Because communication isn't happening, because the child is communicating less with their parent, the parent often doesn't feel that they have enough information to be able to make an informed choice as to whether or not to support their child to affirm their gender.
And because [00:01:00] they see their child as unwell, They think the child will not have the resilience and strength to go through the social transition or the medical transition processes that they're wanting. And this can cause parents to become even more reluctant to support them or enable them towards that. Of course, we're speaking in a very false way here, as if there are parents who are supportive and parents who are not supportive. And most parents sit very much somewhere in the middle space where they're supportive in some ways, and at the same time, they might be struggling or reluctant to support in other ways, or they feel that they need more time to be able to support their child in certain ways.
Or maybe simply they're overwhelmed and unsure about the best ways to support their child. And so they're there's inaction present.
Now, there's something incredibly interesting and helpful here
that comes through the research. It's that hesitant. or mixed support is felt on the part of the child as a negative. And in other words, there's a direct quote from one [00:02:00] of the articles linked to that, the data suggests that anything less than strong support may have a detrimental effect on the well being of trans adolescents.
And another article from um, 2003 said that when parents were somewhat supportive as opposed to strongly supportive, the wellbeing outcomes for the child was the same as for children whose parents were not supportive.
And there's a really strong argument to say that poor mental health is not innate to being trans. It is. vEry common, however, and it's common primarily because of the external pressure, the external stresses and the way that those external stresses are internalized.
It's also common because the most significant supportive factor in a trans person's life or any person's life is the level to which their parent is supporting them. For trans people, that means supporting their self identity and the social and medical changes that they feel are necessary for them to make.
And
it's also really clear [00:03:00] that given that what is that, that when parents, this is throughout the research, when parents are strongly supportive, their child experiences mental health levels comparative to the general population, that there's no greater mental health issues present for trans people when their parents are strongly supportive.
What is strongly supportive? What does that mean? And this is something that is really the reason we developed this program and this course is because there's no clear guidance for parents that is in depth. And parents are left to try to figure this out all on their own.
And of course, they're somewhat supportive in some ways and unsure in other ways. And given that we, through our work and through our research. I felt that we were able to offer some guidance around what strongly supportive looks like. We're very much basing this on using, taking the risk and resilience factors and thinking about them in relation to the parents experience of how they can have an influence over those risk [00:04:00] and resilience factors and how they can increase their influence over those factors.
And but before we go into that, at any greater depth in future modules I wanted to share a table that was present in 1 of the articles and that's linked which is. sOmething of a well being curve. So it's a little bit convoluted, so bear with me. The blue line is the parent's level of well being over time, and the red line, or the pink line, is the child's level of well being over time.
rIght here, it, on the left, it says, child knows they are trans. In fact, let me pull up the, so I can use my mouse, the child knows they're trans here their well being is quite low and continues to decline over time as they are grappling with their own gender diversity. It goes down more right prior to, immediately prior to coming out as trans to their parents in the fear of reaction, in the fear of what their reaction will be.
Then there's a bounce which, where they [00:05:00] experience relief, hope, they are affirmed, they feel accepted and the relationship is reinforced. This is very different to the parent's well being curve, where the parent is relatively okay, their well being is declining as they notice their child is unwell or down or shut down or not communicating, they're told by their child in some way that they are trans, and there's a sharp decline in mental health,
and then there's a slow but steady increase as they receive support and Support their child and see their child experiencing greater wellbeing and happiness and ultimately move towards acceptance what I had created prior to seeing this in the research was my own sort of a wellbeing curve, which I which I. Feel can also be, so the thing about this one that was in the research is that it assumes that after the shock you're right away supporting your child in exactly the ways that they need.
And that's, in my experience, not super likely. And it also, I think, lacks a little bit of nuance around the different [00:06:00] things that are very common and often happen for people. This. This is my version, based on many of the clients that I've worked with, where the child's gender identity is being explored, they're having doubts, they know they're trans, and their mental health is declining really rapidly. It declines much more immediately before they come out, possibly because they're afraid of what their reaction would be, but also possibly they come out because They're at an all time low and they feel like they have to or they've got nothing else to lose or whatever.
And so then there's a little bounce in relief if the parent expresses some level of support, or if it doesn't go as badly as they might have anticipated. And followed by another little dip in well being as they notice that the parent is actually struggling with it quite significantly and might not be using the language yet or might be expressing that it's really challenging for them in some way.
And then again, slowly and steadily increasing from there. And the parent's well being is decreasing just as it does in the other [00:07:00] one. But I delayed this decrease a little bit because I think this is processed not in one moment but over the span of days or weeks or even months for parents where they're letting it in deeper and deeper.
And that might mean that they have more and more fear and grief as they let it in, or they process the information. Then, with some support that they receive, they're able to start supporting their child, and then the rest is similar to the other one. What is I think useful in this particular version of the wellbeing curve is that this is not assuming that there's a quite immediate what we'll call a positive cycle starting.
This is a period of great tension and difficulty for both parent and child, and that there's also very likely disconnection during this phase. Down here. And the other thing that I think is useful to say here is that [00:08:00] at the point that your child tells you that they're trans, or told you that they're trans, they are very likely and this isn't true for everyone, but very likely, they are the least, they have the least amount of capacity to explain and be patient.
Support you or anyone really, for that matter to greater, to have a greater level of understanding for gender diversity or their own experience of it. That they're also more sensitive during that time and more vulnerable to hearing other people's doubts or concerns or grief or loss. And that is coinciding with most parents at the very same moment, having the greatest need for reassurance explanation and really in depth conversations with their child about it.
And it's very uncommon for that to be possible. And so usually this distance is created where the child [00:09:00] is protecting themself from the parents process, which they don't feel resilient to. And the parent is. Confronted and confused and wishing that they had more information often. And so I guess what I want to say is that it's really common for disconnection to occur during that time.
And that hopefully through if it hasn't happened already, hopefully through the course, there's some greater connection that can be made in a number of different ways. And we can explore that.
